Move into Vision
For years I've offered a New Years Eve movement workshop where we collectively share a meal, dance Kai , talk about manifesting ( Ie. having goals and making them come true), and create a collage together out of magazine pictures. It's always been a sold out experience and filled with insight and connection. The last few years I've chosen to be with my children more and draw back a bit from workshops. This time with my kids is so special, time feels like it's going fast. Watching them grow, being available to them, spending time learning new things with them, hanging out, helping them shift from one activity to the next, planning meals, keeping boundaries, sharing the chores and helping them learn to take care of themselves, talking....talking and talking. They at 9 and 15 need me in a very different way than when they were younger. It's been a shift just like other growth stages that has required a deeper investment of energy from me and deeper look into where I go "unconscious", want to "give up" or get reactive and where can I open up more conversation to bring us closer and to have us all grow. I still say parenting is the very best "people making " machine if it's done with awareness on doing it as well as possible. There definitely isn't a "perfection" on this path. I've questioned being an older mom more than once as I approach pre-menopause at the same time that my eldest is in his teen hormonal years. We've had a few laughs about that ( among other things). I've also learned to fish ( re-learn really), appreciate nature on a deeper level, and to express anger healthfully. Moving towards the vision I have of our little family includes an ex husband whom needs help at times and is a great co-parent and friend, a growing business ( this Kai thing), paying bills and keeping up our beautiful home, and helping my kids to find their unique path and supporting them healthfully. This is a dynamic quest that is ever changing, has deep scary moments, surprise twists and turns, and challenges me in every way I can perceive and many ways I haven't even dreamed of.
There have been some very big learning curves over the last couple of years. One huge one is saying "goodbye" to a good handful of "friends" and redefining for myself and voicing what is "ok" and what isn't. This may be a gift of turning 50 as I'm told one side effect of these upper years is feeling more freedom to be "yourself" and to not take so much of others "stuff" on. What a gift!!!!! With the release of old relationships came the reformation of me being more of ME. This has been deeply challenging as that means being less of what others think I should be, even society. It's required me to speak up, talking truth, set parameters even in close familial relationships, and SEEING where subtle patterns of old ways of being creep in and being willing to "rock the boat" ,so to speak, to set new ones. All I can say is, be willing. It's hard and foreign at first and yet allows both you and the other to choose what is in the highest good individually and together. Our visions for what relationship "should" look like may grow apart and it's the kindest thing to yourself and to the other to let go. Be okay in the uncomfortable...it will shift. Feel deeper into yourself.....give it time.
Another learning curve is KEEP HOLDING THE VISION even when you notice doubt, fear, anxiety, and perhaps even the opposite of what you desire materialize. My ex husband and I took approx 5 years to go from a place of a lot of resentment, anger and grief to a friendship we have today that we both value and hold in highest regard. We deeply respect each other, weave thru difficult holidays and moments and when the going gets tough, both have each others back. We love each other! Holding this vision of us remaining close friends through those 5 difficult years of therapy, moving out phase, dealing with new partners, filling out court papers for divorce, many differences with the kids and arranging time was HUGE. Everything in front of us was conflict. We let go over and over. Each time we re-connected the underlying caring and love was always there and what I focused on. Dealing with each our own emotions around the ending and the vision of a new beginning helped AND was HARD. Nothing easy here and yet the growth we've each gained on this path has been profound.
A song that i've been chanting lately is "I Accept Whatever Comes with Grace." It's been a perfect statement for me to repeat as the grace that's come my way has come in interesting packages, different often than I expect. When I listen in deeper and make difficult choices that align to my deepest truth they often fly in the face of what would seem the "best" choice logically. This has affirmed to me that the path of grace is the only one I can entertain anymore and being open to the answers/gifts is my daily job. I've learned that my mind goes too easily into fear and "right action" often lies in the most challenging places. The full circle learning from giving birth has been that ultimately I have FAR more energy and capacity to do anything than I think I have. The challenge is to prove to my mind again and agin and affirm when I forget ( which I do regularly) that the toughest choices pay off. This has appeared true whether the choices entail staying moving as I am healing something, or remembering that in the heat of the moment when I feel I can't handle another load of laundry, bookkeeping, directing the kids , being available and planning Kai's future in classes, workshops, marketing, trainings and retreats and paying bills.....that I can, that I am supported, that God's got my back, and that grace is there if i ask for it.
With this dear friends....I hope you find some inspiration and that you MOVE INTO YOUR VISION. The world needs us all, at our best, on our paths of integrity, not perfection but on the path. We truly are ONE COMMUNITY. With this said, I'll be offering a Facebook live workshop on creating a vision board on Monday June 18th 12-1:30pm. It's FREE. Simply set aside the time and join live or playback if you like. You'll need pasteboard, 5 magazines, gluestick and your presence. I'll guide us thru some movement, the steps and together we'll create some vision maps using our creative right hemispheres.