As I sit down in an attempt to write this blog, ideas flow thru and nothing feels "right". "Maybe I don't know anything" keeps going thru my head. After my third attempt to follow a train of thought I am ending up in a blank space of "nothing". Or perhaps it's not really "nothing" that is coming up, really it's a cluttered space of ALOT of SOMETHINGS. I sit with it noticing how my mind and my ego are dueling it out. My mind saying, " come on Kelly, share something .....something. " and my ego saying, " Kelly, there is no value in THAT. " Truly what I crave is that feeling of "nothing", no struggling and an easy connection in my mind for meaningful thoughts.
For me to get to "nothing" I have to look into the mirror of my mind and excavate all the "somethings". The thoughts, stories, judgements, and chatter that fill my head with noise and my body with discomfort. I also grapple with the need to "make sense" of what is happening around me and my addiction to my thoughts. My sense of self, of "who am I" is entangled with the threads of thoughts planted in my brain through the years. The question becomes can I release all those tentacles and just allow myself to be "me" without "thinking". Innocent, open, playful, curious, and free. Allowing the essence and expression in the moment to flow without fighting it.
The duel with my ego and my mind is picking up intensity as I feel the flow of "nothing" increase. Why the attachment to feeling cluttered in my head? The flow of "nothing" feels SO MUCH BETTER? Perhaps it's the comfort of status quo, perhaps it helps me identify with being "stuck" and an old story running my body/mind, maybe it's the "little me" needing some attention to soothe an old wound of being criticized for being "me". This inner dance in my head brings me some comfort and the unraveling of tension in my brain is apparent. A thought here, and connection there, my breath deepens. Space expands.
This is where I pull out the big guns....and mine are made of light and love. I go to my heart and wrap my "inner mother" arms around all the little stuff that keeps me small. I remind myself that it's scary sometimes to be trans-PARENT. To be seen, to be authentic, to not be perfect. It takes courage, dedication, and fierceness to enter each day open, willing to look at it all, to feel it all, and to walk thru it all. This is when I sigh a deep exhale. I let go of it all.....and realize I had it in me all along. I am open, ready and grateful for the new found space in my head. It's from THIS space I can peacefully walk/dance into my life. This is how I choose and create in my life. This is the sparring that makes me fierce.